January 2016 - Long Overdue Update

Life doesn’t always go as we planned or maybe hoped for. Our last eighteen months have been far from what we expected. A great job meant an international move and starting over, which emotionally was, initially, incredibly hard. Then, slowly, finding a new normal and feeling hope again…only to have it all ripped away. The job was cut, and our new life came crashing down around us. We returned to the life we had left, except that we had ended that life; the things that had been part of that season were gone and we literally have had to start over, again, from scratch.

I won’t lie, it has been hard. I have had moments of complete desperation, feeling utter hopelessness. The nice Christian word for it is ‘challenging’, but honestly that doesn’t even begin to describe what we have been through. Were it not for the kindness of family, we would have been homeless. It is hard to accept, or talk about and I was hoping to write again from ‘the other side’, looking back with it all making much more sense. But that place seems to still be just beyond the current horizon.

Maybe it will help others to hear from ‘in’ this journey, not once it has been completed. I know that this is not a punishment; I know that God does not play favorites; I also know there are consequences for decisions made by us and others, that the actions of others can have repercussions for us. Sometimes things just happen because we live in a world that is far from perfect and there isn’t a God controlling everything that happens, there is free will, but that means that bad things can happen and He weeps too, when they do!

Sometimes when I don’t have the words left to express what I am feeling, a song will. There is a song by Casting Crowns that speaks to a little of what we have lived

‘I was sure by now

God you would have reached down

And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain

“I’m with you”

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

And I’ll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I’ve cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm’

There were moments when I was not praising, I was just barely holding on, wondering what on earth, and why? But He uses it all. Ultimately we will be stronger for going through this season and surviving, we will be more compassionate, more flexible.

The words from another song have struck me on several occasions

‘Your world’s not falling apart it’s falling into place…’

Oh how I hope this is true for us, because I felt like our world fell apart.

It is so very hard to not have answers, to live in a state of uncertainty, not knowing what is next,  no plan, no map with the directions to follow. The day to day can still be difficult, but the good news is I am well past the initial heartache and feelings of desperation and am hopeful again. We are not stuck where we were, we were not abandoned and there will be a way forward, even if that path is currently shrouded in fog.

I took this photo yesterday, the first deliberate photo in far too long, just because it struck me as simple but beautiful. I decided to look up the symbolism of feathers and guess what…

A feather symbolizes a new beginning - a new life ahead. A feather symbolizes hope.

How perfect!