52 Weeks of 2013 - Week 36

So,  last week was my birthday. It was one of those big-number ones. I turned forty! To my eighteen year old self, that seems so old, but I know that to my sixty year old self I will look back and think I never had it so good. It's all relative. I don't feel any older and although I most certainly don't look eighteen, I think I'm holding up pretty well. (Please don't burst my bubble)!

I have been around for a while now. I wouldn't want to be that insecure seventeen year old who none of the boys at school were interested in, or the twenty year old wondering what she was going to do with her life... if she would ever find love, having already been tossed aside. At thirty years old I was coming close to having my first child, full of doubts of how I would be able to love a little person I didn't even know. The years that followed of utter exhaustion, but so much joy and so many laughs and sweet cuddles and all the firsts.

This new decade is an altogether new era. A stage of my life is now officially over. I have been completely responsible for at least one child for over nine and a half years but it has all changed. After taking all three of my kids to school two weeks ago, including my youngest, my baby, for the first time, I couldn't stop the tears once I allowed them to start. They were big fat tears rolling down my face, like my little girl's just a short while earlier. I kept swiping them away, willing them to stop, but they kept coming.

I can't quite figure out what I should do next, because my husband graduates from seminary in December and until I know where we are going to end up, it seems kind of pointless. I feel like so much has to be on hold.

So I'll keep taking photos, because that always helps and makes me happy. I'll keep trying to be the best Mom I can be and maybe try to keep the house a little tidier...maybe. I'm trying to look more for the positive and enjoy the little things, because they do matter. Trying to live more in the moment, trying not to worry about a path we have yet to travel, that has yet to become clear. We really do still have a lot of life ahead of us. Remarkable.

I prefer to be behind the camera, but I felt that I needed to document this important milestone and it was time for a self portrait. I promise you, I have not touched up my skin in photoshop at all. No softening, or lightening of under-eye bags or wrinkles, I did put on a little makeup, but you can zoom right in and see the real me, unaltered (although, of course I'd rather you didn't). Photographers have all sorts of tricks they can use to 'help' a person look their best, but that was not what this was about, this really is me, as I am, right now!

Here you go, eighty year old self...back in the day when you were still 'young'!

Self-Portrait part II

So the second part of this assignment was to photograph yourself, as an object.

I chose a rosebud.

To me they are quintessentially British. They remind me of home, of my roots. I chose yellow, the color of the sun; life-giving, it brings joy and happiness. A yellow rose says "I care", it speaks of friendship and joy and gladness.

This is not a brand new bud, nor is it yet in full bloom, but it is full of potential, the journey has begun.

Self-Portrait

I read a number of blogs, for various reasons. In some instances it is a way of keeping up with a friend's life, in others I look for inspiration. One of my recent sources for inspiration and now challenge is that of Me Rah Koh, and more specifically her SOAR scholarship blog. She has selected three women this year, to mentor in their photography journey and via her and their blogging of the experience, we can follow along too. I decided to challenge myself to join in with some of their exercises and as a result, there has been much soul searching for me this week.

The first exercise was in two parts, the first being to take a self-portrait with you in it. The second was to take a self-portrait with an object representing where you are right now.

I have had quite an emotional time as this exercise forced me to take a deeper look at my life; at my hopes and dreams. I was surprised by how near to the surface these emotions remained throughout the week. This has been such a busy month for our family and I think the lack of time to actually sit and be still and think and examine and pray through it all, meant that I had thoughts and ideas swirling through my mind which I could not gain control of or settle enough to understand.

Today I finally took some much needed time away, alone, to sit and write and try to solidify the swirling mess.

I love to take photos, I love the fact that there is an artistic process that is coupled with technical requirements. One moment can be captured in so many different ways. I love to share my art and yet I still live with fears of disappointment, judgment, rejection. Will I ever be good enough to take this further? Will others believe in my abilities? Will they enjoy my offerings? Will my desire to create, rob my children of time with their mother? Is this the right time?

Yes I am a complex creature, with many issues. I am a wife. a mother, a sister, a daughter a friend, taking care of others, taking care of all the 'stuff' that needs taking care of; the meals, the laundry, the mess, the emotions, the teaching and training. Somewhere in the midst of it all there is an artist, someone who was on the verge of drowning and has finally come up for air and is frantically gulping for breath, for her very life. It is not so much a battle, as a realization that choices have to be made.

So (at the risk of further rejection) I share with you my self-portrait. I would love to hear your thoughts or comments. What do you see, what do you think, how does it make you feel?



Check back soon for my self-portrait part two!