The first exercise was in two parts, the first being to take a self-portrait with you in it. The second was to take a self-portrait with an object representing where you are right now.
I have had quite an emotional time as this exercise forced me to take a deeper look at my life; at my hopes and dreams. I was surprised by how near to the surface these emotions remained throughout the week. This has been such a busy month for our family and I think the lack of time to actually sit and be still and think and examine and pray through it all, meant that I had thoughts and ideas swirling through my mind which I could not gain control of or settle enough to understand.
Today I finally took some much needed time away, alone, to sit and write and try to solidify the swirling mess.
I love to take photos, I love the fact that there is an artistic process that is coupled with technical requirements. One moment can be captured in so many different ways. I love to share my art and yet I still live with fears of disappointment, judgment, rejection. Will I ever be good enough to take this further? Will others believe in my abilities? Will they enjoy my offerings? Will my desire to create, rob my children of time with their mother? Is this the right time?
Yes I am a complex creature, with many issues. I am a wife. a mother, a sister, a daughter a friend, taking care of others, taking care of all the 'stuff' that needs taking care of; the meals, the laundry, the mess, the emotions, the teaching and training. Somewhere in the midst of it all there is an artist, someone who was on the verge of drowning and has finally come up for air and is frantically gulping for breath, for her very life. It is not so much a battle, as a realization that choices have to be made.
So (at the risk of further rejection) I share with you my self-portrait. I would love to hear your thoughts or comments. What do you see, what do you think, how does it make you feel?
Check back soon for my self-portrait part two!
Great idea and very inspirational Juanita. I love to hear your writing (with an accent of course) as it is very clearly from your heart. This picture makes me sad for some reason. I have always seen you standing tall and confident, and even a little sassy (in a good way :)) but this picture shows a different you: you look uncertain. I am learing very quickly just how many roles we take on as we grow into wives and mammas and how difficult it becomes to find ourselves. I hope that this photography challenge you have taken upon yourself helps you to find more of yourself again. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
ReplyDeleteNow that I have posted that, I feel the need to clarify- you look uncertain like you have so many things to do and thoughts to think and places that maybe you feel like you should be and directions that maybe you should be going in-Overwhelmed, but not tired- and very beautiful.
ReplyDeleteJuanita you are an amazing photographer. I am so glad that you are able to share your pictures and blog about them so I can read and see another side of you, a very important side, the creative. I think God created us after his image and even in his desire to create. Your kids will appreciate that you've taken time to capture life and create something beautiful. What a wonderful way to look back.
ReplyDeleteThe picture has so much in it. I have a hard time keeping my eyes on you just because there seems to be so much going on and then I look and there isn't. There's trees and bushes and yet I find that I'm distracted, maybe because you're not looking at me ;)
This is what I see:
ReplyDelete"I am a complex creature, with many issues. I am a wife. a mother, a sister, a daughter a friend, taking care of others, taking care of all the 'stuff' that needs taking care of; the meals, the laundry, the mess, the emotions, the teaching and training. Somewhere in the midst of it all there is an artist, someone who was on the verge of drowning and has finally come up for air and is frantically gulping for breath, for her very life. It is not so much a battle, as a realization that choices have to be made"
You have captured the dilemma. The setting makes me feel like you are aware of the compromises that that entails - in a good way.
We live in a world where, if we choose to be home with children, the rhetoric makes them almost an idol. They will be stronger in the long run if they see you as a whole person, and see you taking the time and energy to pursue your artistic side.
I echo the first poster in that in this portrait you have allowed yourself to appear much more vulnerable than you come across in daily life. A week of prayer and self-seeking might do that for you! :)
I admire your consistency in pursuing this dream. Bravo!