Wednesday, January 15, 2014

52 Weeks of 2014 - Week 2

We need rain, I know it, yet one of the things I love most about living where we live, is the sunshine. Even if it is cold, our days are normally bright and I have come to realize how much my mood, my outlook is impacted when the sun disappears. When the sun is in hiding, everything seems just a little harder for me.

We had one day of rain this past weekend and I was struck, at one point, about my need to keep perspective, to keep control of my thoughts, to not go down a negative path, you know, one of those that can so quickly spiral downwards.

It was a busy morning, my husband had to go to the city for a music practice, I had to run my son to karate and drag my reluctant girls with me. We had to fit in a few frantic errands, then do a pick up from karate, with two extra cousins and a trunk full, which meant re-arranging the whole car to be able to make seats work...all in the rain. One daughter had to be back in our town for a birthday party while the other two did not want the cousin fun to end and it was all going to be a far too short turnaround. Well the play time got to be extended and as I drove my daughter to her party I connected with my husband, who it turned out was leaving too. I asked him if he'd eaten, as I was starving and he hadn't, I told him I hadn't either. I figured we'd be able to get something together. I dropped my daughter to her party and checked in again to see about our little date we would be able to sneak in before collecting our other kids, only to find out he'd already grabbed something to eat.

I started to feel rejected and sad, then upset. It was quickly escalating and yet, somehow, I was able to force myself to step outside of my situation to acknowledge that my husband loves me and is a good, kind man. He may have been a little thoughtless but he had not intentionally avoided spending time with me. We had poorly communicated. Believe me, there was a battle going on in my mind, that I was completely aware of. It was like one of those cartoons with a demon on one shoulder and an angel on the other, both trying to shout in my ear, each trying to drown out the other...and the rain, the grey day, the rain drops distorting my view. Wow it was hard. I can't say that the clouds broke and I saw the light and all was wonderful again, the rain continued and my mood did not significantly improve, but I chose to not water that seed of negativity any further. I chose to deprive it of oxygen and not feed it and let it grow. I believe it was God who gave me the ability to see a little clearer in those moments and who helped me when I cried out, through gritted teeth, for the strength I needed go in the right direction.

Later when the rain stopped, I could see all the droplets clinging to blades of grass and I was inspired to snap and thoughts started to jumble and formulate in my mind. A drop of water can itself act as a lens, like a very simple camera lens in fact, BUT the refracted image is upside down. It's a true image, but distorted, turned completely on it's head. That's how my mind had been working earlier, the facts were true, but they had potentially been distorted, maybe by all those water droplets? Maybe by outside forces trying to cause division in my family, in my marriage?

We have choices to make every day and we have the freedom to make good or bad decisions. We can stop and wallow in self pity, or anger, or rage or we can acknowledge them for what they are and keep moving forward. It's not always an easy choice, sometimes it can be tempting to stay in that place, but I promise you nothing good can come of feeding distorted thoughts. Do all you can to get the right perspective, call on friends you can trust to speak truth to you, pray, fight with all your might to get out of that place. Force yourself to look for the positives and the things you have to be grateful for and soon enough the rain will hopefully clear and the images will once again be the right side up.

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