The thing about anniversaries is that they come around every year. For the celebrations, this is wonderful, but there are hard anniversaries too. It was twelve years ago we lost our Mum. I still feel robbed, for myself, for my kids, for my brothers and sisters. I don't often talk about the details but she didn't get to die a peaceful death due to natural causes, she was let down by a hospital 'error' and then nobody could figure out what was wrong, nothing was done and then it was too late. Maybe it would be easier if her life had ended differently? I mean, I would still miss her, but the feeling cheated wouldn't be a factor.
I really don't anticipate this day and yet it always hits me. I never forget it, because it's the day before my son's birthday, and I obviously never want to forget her, but the rest of the year life just goes on as normal and then the day comes and it's still painful.
Once again it was rainy and dreary, which just added to my sadness. The one tradition I have is to buy freesias, because they were her favorite. I have them sitting beside me tonight and they smell amazing and I wonder why I don't buy them more often? They weren't easy to find, again...as I approached the third florist I was starting to get frustrated; why did it have to be so hard? Why was it grey and raining and miserable? Why did nobody have these flowers I wanted? Why hadn't I thought to plan ahead and actually order some? Finally at the fourth florist they had three little bunches, they cost the most I have ever spent on them, but I didn't care. This is what I did, and still do, to try to remember and celebrate this woman.
I grieve the years I took her for granted, saddened that it wasn't until I became a mother myself that I finally saw her as a friend and could appreciate her in a whole new way, then less than a year later she was gone.
She would have been so excited this year to finally welcome two new grandbabies, to two of her sons. Sons living in the same country as her, not across an ocean, babies that she would be able to get to see and dote on. She would already have been setting aside toys and clothes and would be checking on her daughter-in-laws, probably a little too often. But she's not here to share in any of it...they don't get to share that with her, to see her in her element. She would have been so very happy, I know from my own, too brief, experience, this was something she longed for and looked forward to.
Nothing can bring her back. It's a sad fact...and life still has to go on...and it does. But she will be forever missed.
*As in years past, I am once again doing a February photo project and will post a photo a day. It may only be one month of the year, but I love to look back on these photos and it never hurts to have a bit of discipline. No real rules, just our life documented a little. Maybe there'll be captions, maybe not, there could be the occasional phone photo thrown in on busier days and sometimes it may be hard to narrow things down and there could be bonus photos.
I'd love for you to follow along, or even join in. Let me know!
